sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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