Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
my shit smells like andre
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
