Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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