So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just found a bag of teeth...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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