dude i'm inner monologue high
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My ass is underappreciated
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
