I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
