He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
