His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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