Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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