He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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