I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Randomize
