He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
