so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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