I wish my penis had an off switch
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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