Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
