i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
