God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
