I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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