I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
