I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
