It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
