I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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