I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
