Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
