lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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