Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
