he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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