I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
