They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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