So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
