Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
