Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
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