I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
