My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
