If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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