you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
