i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
