I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
