Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
