The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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