I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
