hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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