but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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