the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
