i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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