I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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