he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
