someone owes me an orgasm
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
