I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
