im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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